So, after lots of prayerful discernment over what to write... here is the full text of my endorsement essay. I post it here in the hopes it might help some other seminarian on the cusp of endorsement to know what someone else thought was valuable to put in this essay. Good luck!
Endorsement Essay - JMichael 2014
My entrance essay began with this statement, “It is
with a servant’s heart and a willing spirit that I am requesting to begin the
candidacy process, working toward ordination as a pastor in the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America.” And in
preparation for this endorsement essay, I have reflected on what these words
mean now as seen through the prism of the transformation I have been living
into since first writing those words. As
I have looked back at the events of the past year or so, I can confidently say
that I still possess that servant’s heart and willing spirit. So, I am requesting now to step across the
next threshold in the candidacy process, endorsement.
I. CALL TO MINISTRY
What
does it mean to be called? I know that the word “vocation”
comes from the Latin vocare which
means “call” or “calling.” The task for
this portion of the endorsement essay is to reflect theologically on my vocation as it
is grounded in baptism. In
the context of defining my vocation theologically, I am faced with these questions,
“Just what does God want me to do in the life of this church?” and “How is my
vocation reflected in my baptismal call?”
The biblical image that comes to
mind when I consider these questions is the story of Samuel. In 1 Samuel 3:1-21, we get the story of
how Samuel was called by God. It’s a
familiar story where Samuel hears God calling him, but mistakenly thinks it is
Eli instead. He goes back and forth to
Eli three times before Eli realizes that it is God’s voice Samuel hears and to
whom he must respond. Perhaps others in
my position would reference call stories that have a more cataclysmic shift
within them, like the stories about Isaiah, Paul, or Simon Peter. But I have always been drawn to Samuel’s
story instead. God’s call did not come to
Samuel as some “holy 2x4” smacking him over the head and redirecting his path. Instead, God’s voice came to Samuel as a
whisper in the dark of night. And I
believe that is how God has been calling me these past many years… slowly and
quietly to be a leader for this church.
I
have come to recognize that all of the events of my life have worked as a quiet
awakening… a growing awareness of where I was being led. All along it has been that gentle whisper to
stay on the course God had prepared. I
cannot claim some sudden epiphany that came to me or even one specific event in
my life that put me on this path. But I
do know that in my baptism, God claimed me!
And I also know that since then he has worked within the events of my
life to reveal to me this call to leadership within the church.
My
understanding of my call to ministry has been to recognize the slow and steady
thrum of the Holy Spirit at work within me and also at work within those around
me. My parents gave me love and nurtured
me in my faith. My participation within
Women of the ELCA has developed my spiritual life and this community of women
has supported my gifts for leadership.
And now as I continue my seminary education, I can see how the formation
process is growing my ability to articulate my call.
One
of the key lessons I learned during Clinical Pastoral Education was how all the
successes and heartbreaks of my life have “primed the soil” for what seeds of ministry
will be planted as I grow towards public ministry for this church. In the “Vision & Expectations” document
that is the code of conduct for all ordained leaders of the ELCA, we are
reminded that “The ordained minister recognizes the importance of lifelong
growth in learning. Such growth is intended to renew, extend, and deepen
insight into the scriptures and the doctrinal teaching of the church, and to
enable one to respond to the insights and challenges of the world with greater awareness
and a more faithful confession.”1
THAT is what my theological education has added to my ministry
capabilities. Prior to beginning at
Wartburg Theological Seminary, my experiences as a lay leader in the church
were a response to challenges from a primarily intuitive approach. Being in seminary now has begun to push me
beyond that boundary, providing a deeper connection to scriptures and
doctrine. I believe this has helped to
clarify what I have considered instinctual and given me the opportunity to be a
stronger leader.
With
that in mind, I believe that God has called me to serve as a parish
pastor. I have been given opportunities
for learning how to organize and participate in governance. Years of serving in various lay leadership
roles have provided insight into the realities of Lutheran congregational life,
including first-hand knowledge of lay-clergy partnerships that foster healthy
faith community life.
Being very
actively involved with Women of the ELCA has connected me with many of the
future “visioning” concepts within the ELCA.
The past few years I have followed the progress of the “Living into theFuture Together” Task Force (LIFT) for the ELCA. In the final report from this task force,
they indicate that “Changing times present new opportunities. God is sending
this church to speak the gospel particularly through vital local
congregations.”2 In my
opinion, the future of the ELCA will be in these local congregations where
intentional effort is made to develop outreach and connection to people who may
not have experience with a traditional congregational setting. And I am excited to uncover what my role will
be in this new ecology of the church once my seminary education is complete.
While at
Wartburg Theological Seminary, I know that my formation has included learning how
I can be in relationship with others in a way that brings cooperation, shapes
vision and is, at the very core, Christ-centered. So, it is not only reflecting on my past that
shows me my sense of call. I am excited
about the future and how I will use my gifts gleaned through theological
education. I want to be on that
front-line working collegially with others as we face these challenges
together. That is why I know my call to
ministry is to contribute to the life of the church through ordained pastoral
ministry in a parish setting. Like Samuel, I may not have known at first who
was calling, but now that I know, I am ready to respond, “Speak, Lord, for your
servant is listening.”
II. FAITHFULNESS TO THE CHURCH’S
CONFESSION
Our human identity lies in being
created in God’s image. Our baptismal identity
is to be in a relationship of mutual love with God. However, through temptation and our desire to
live by our own merit, we turn away from God.
We broke the relationship and continue to break the relationship with
God and all creation which has led to injustice on earth and separation from
God. Thus, our dilemma is sin. God’s solution to sin is salvation. Salvation is only possible through
justification by faith alone, through God’s gift of grace in Christ alone
without dependence on one’s own strength, merits or work.
God
wants to be in a relationship with me.
He seeks me out and gives me so much of what makes my life fulfilling…
love, family, community, and really, all that I have. And yet, as a sinner I know I turn away from
God. I turn away when I doubt, when I
fear, when I despair that I do not have enough or that I am not enough. This is my brokenness. This is my suffering. Through this sin, I am brought to my knees
and to the foot of the cross. It is
there that God meets me and reminds me that through my baptism, I belong to
God… not because of what I have done, but because of what Christ has done on my
behalf.
I
was not Lutheran from birth like many of my colleagues, but came to this faith
tradition after getting married. I
confess at the time, being Lutheran was not a grand revelation with an emphasis
on canon and theology. Instead, it was
simply a matter of being a lot more important to my mother-in-law that we go to
a Lutheran church than it was to my parents that we attend an Episcopal church! And yet, as my faith life grew, I came to
study more about scripture and much more about the specifics of Lutheran
beliefs and doctrine. Within this time
of transformation, the concepts of sola
gratia, sola fide, sola scriptura resonated more to me than anything I had
ever been taught as a child. During that
time, I “became” Lutheran through an awakening of the mind and spirit. And now I cannot imagine living within any
other doctrine of faith.
I
am committed to the beliefs and confessions of the Lutheran Church. They characterize a theology that is centered
on God’s love and grace that offers hope to a suffering world. As Lutherans, we believe that we are freed in
Christ to love and serve our neighbor. Our church’s mission is to be eager
instruments for God, to offer restoration and reconciliation in Jesus’ name
throughout the world.
Within
the “Vision & Expectations” document we are challenged, “Ordained ministers
of this church are expected to proclaim in word and deed God’s saving gospel of
justification by grace through faith, and so equip the baptized for their
ministry in daily life.”3 My
service to this church stands firmly upon this statement. I seek to help people grasp this restorative message,
to help them understand and experience the life-giving grace of the gospel
first-hand in their lives. In
proclamation of the word, in administering the sacraments, in being a living
witness to God’s healing grace in my own life… this is how I seek to be a
diligent and faithful servant of this church.
This is part of my faithfulness to the church’s confession, living out
the gospel in my every-day life.
III. FAITHFUL LIVING
Faithful living to me begins and ends with witnessing
to God’s saving grace. Relying on the
Spirit’s help, I have tried to live that way.
But there have been noticeable changes in me since my entrance decision
in February 2013. Participating in
theological education as a residential student has been a tremendous gift to me
personally and vocationally. From the
moment I moved to campus, I felt that I had turned a corner in my life. With each class, I have been challenged to
think about my theology, to explore deeper the meaning of baptism, salvation,
and grace. With each semester my
confidence has grown in my ability to share my faith through preaching,
teaching and personal witness.
In July 2014, my tenure as churchwide president of
Women of the ELCA came to a close during the 9th Triennial
Convention. As I stepped aside to allow
the next president to be lifted up, there was a shift in my understanding of my
vocation in the church. For so many
years I served in leadership within this community of women, representing them
to those outside our organization and sharing a sisterhood within this
group. I was good at being a leader for
a women’s organization within the church.
I felt confident in my abilities and accomplished as president. But now, without that title and without the instant
authority that comes with it, I thought that perhaps I would be slightly
adrift, not completely without anchor, but also stripped of an identity within
the church that had become so comfortable for me.
And yet, when I laid my head down on the pillow that
night after the new president was elected, I was quietly joyful about what
comes next. In my closing remarks during
the convention I thanked the whole community for serving as the catalyst of
spiritual change in my life. And
reflecting upon how much this community formed me, I can say that the ending of
my service within this organization energizes me with the prospect of how I
might live out my vocation within the church in a new way. I am so very grateful for the ministry of
women that is Women of the ELCA, for they offered me my first opportunity to
serve the wider church. But now with
this service faithfully completed, I am eager to live into the next expression
of my vocation.
Reflecting though, it is no surprise that my
greatest transformations since beginning the candidacy process have come during
my time in Clinical Pastoral Education.
Initially, I was very apprehensive, but eager, about participating in this
program. After talking with my
colleagues who had participated in CPE previously, I understood that
transparency with family of origin issues and personal history was a key
component of a successful CPE unit. This
posed a challenge for me because my natural inclination throughout my life has always
been to put forward my best image, but conceal the cracks and flaws that exist
beneath the surface.
It has not been easy for me in my adult life to make
friends. I have many acquaintances and
casual connections, but few deep relationships outside of my own family. I am very good at cultivating an image of
efficiency, poise and strength that hides the scars and troubles I have
endured. This behavior does not lend
itself to the kind of real intimacy that leads to friendship. However, since entering the candidacy process
I have been getting better at exposing the vulnerable underside of my life with
others. This began as I worked with my
spiritual director, Rev. Lin Rohr this past year. But I know that the deepest sharing I have
done about my life occurred during my CPE unit this summer. This experience, more than any other, has
helped me uncover areas that will continue to need self-care and observation as
I seek to serve the church as an ordained minister.
The first area of insight that I identified while in
CPE is my avid interest in being “preferred”.
Arriving at this understanding of myself has been an epiphany of sorts
not only for me, but also for my sisters as well. I continue to review my past and present
behavior through this lens and believe it will inform my ministry as I move
forward. I understand how much of my
personal history has been wrapped up in this need. Additionally, I have been looking at some of
my current responsibilities at seminary and what I did within Women of the ELCA
these past many years. I have come to
recognize how being preferred has motivated my actions in these areas and will
have an impact on my future ministry as well.
The other insight of note for me during this unit
was the value of silence and letting go of being solely in control of a pastoral
visit. My natural tendency is to talk
and keep the conversation flowing easily because relating to someone else’s
personal pain is something I have had little practice with in the past. However, the individual supervision sessions
with my CPE supervisor, Dr. Don Winslett, helped me to reveal how my pain has
shaped me. I have become more aware of
how sitting with people in their pain without talking or “doing” something has
value. During the group sessions and
didactics, I learned how to be better at sitting in silence as the patient
needs it. This has not been an easy task
for me and I still struggle with it. But
I became increasingly successful by using my own breathing to slow my anxiety
and let the visit take its course. I
believe this lesson, as well as many others that I learned over the course of
the unit, will have a life-long effect on my ministry.
Returning this year to seminary, in light of these
and other transformational experiences, I am encouraged about what is to
come. I plan to continue my work with my
spiritual director during this year. My
goal is to focus on authenticity and trust.
Over the summer, I finished reading a book suggested by my spiritual
director called “Deep Living” by Roxanne Howe-Murphy. I am looking forward to how our discussions
of this text will expand my understanding of both practical and holistic ways
of strengthening my self-awareness and self-care.
Additionally, I am serving as one of the sacristans
of the chapel at Wartburg Theological Seminary.
It has long been a spiritual practice for me to participate in the
planning and preparations for worship. I
feel a strong call to create a space for people to be in communion with one
another and with God through worship.
And even though many may think that a flurry of emails and the exchange
of logistics to prepare a worship service is not anything near spiritual
nourishment, I know that for me I will be fed by this experience.
The final question of this section is how I
understand my responsibility as a public minister “whose life and conduct are
above reproach”. I believe that in
answering this question I turn again to “Vision & Expectations” where the
document holds that “Pastoral identity is not one of moral or spiritual
perfection. It is, instead the living
out of the good news that one is justified by God’s grace and thus called to
live out that grace in daily life.”4
I understand the gravity of the office to which I aspire, the
significant weight of expectation and responsibility. I felt a similar charge to live without
blemish as I served as a leader for Women of the ELCA.
I prayerfully strive to live a life of decency,
honor and holy living. I ask God’s
guidance to help me live with integrity and trustworthiness, striving to be a
peacemaker and work for justice and peace in all the earth. These are goals rightfully expected of
pastors.
I know that I am a wounded sinner, as are all those
with whom I serve and will serve. I
understand that we are all sustained in our brokenness by the grace of God and
the saving work of Jesus Christ. And
yet, in my human frailty, I know I will disappoint and I will fail. But through the gift of the Spirit, I will
also be faithful to the gospel. Therefore,
I must believe that to live a life that is above reproach means that I must
live my life within the context of God’s promise. Then, any failure or fall on my part will not
weaken the church, but instead serve as a witness to God’s saving
grace.
In closing I return to my request to receive
endorsement to continue my candidacy process.
I believe I have come to a better understanding of my call to ministry,
for which I am grateful. Through my
theological education I am becoming increasingly proficient at articulating the
confessions of the church. And in
spiritual direction and through Clinical Pastoral Education I have uncovered
personal indicators for self-care and awareness. I am still learning and growing, but I
fervently believe that I am ready for this next step. So
here I am, with a servant’s heart and a willing spirit standing on the
threshold, waiting for what is to come!
_____________________________________
1
“Vision
and Expectations: Ordained Ministers in the Evangelical Lutheran Church in
America” Evangelical Lutheran Church in America. p.8.
Chicago, IL. 2010.
2
“Report
of the Task Force-Living into the Future Together: Renewing the Ecology of the
ELCA (LIFT)” Evangelical Lutheran Church in America. p.6.
Chicago, IL. April 2011.
3
“Vision
and Expectations: Ordained Ministers in the Evangelical Lutheran Church in
America” Evangelical Lutheran Church in America. p.6.
Chicago, IL. 2010.
4
“Vision
and Expectations: Ordained Ministers in the Evangelical Lutheran Church in
America” Evangelical Lutheran Church in America. p.7.
Chicago, IL. 2010.
